If you take a stance against this relationship-positive society, a lot of people will try to prove you wrong and try to convince you that everyone will end in a relationship and those who don’t are weird and no one should aspire to lead a life without relationships.
Well, thanks guys, not only do you make me feel even more insecure, but also you know nothing about how I struggled to fit into this as a teenager. Do not try to talk to me about relationships when you know nothing about my adolescence.
There is this really troubling idea that naiveté is a thing, that you can trivialize people by calling them naive and innocent, but this is bullshit propaganda spread by the media.
It’s like women can only be virgins or sluts and I am not going to divide people like that.
Not being in a relationship does not make you any more naive than being in a relationship. There are so many naive people in relationships, so many people who are “not ready” yet, so well… You cannot explain it.
People manage to get into a relationship, some people don’t and it is not about how intelligent or experienced people are. Of course, if you have never been in a relationship, you cannot have that experience, but there are many other factors that make you “qualified” for relationships, if there is such a thing.
I decided I do not need one and trying to get into a relationship is not something I have time for. I struggle enough as it is and a relationship at this point of my life is more of a burden than a help.
This is a thing most people don’t talk about. Yes, most will admit that a relationship takes perseverance, trust and courage, but they won’t say that it will make life even harder.
I won’t be able to share my thoughts on relationships because I cannot know about it, so please accept if I don’t want to get into this.
To me it feels like most people are in some kind of cult, doing something that is possible, but not necessarily something that I strive for. I don’t do drugs, for example, because I don’t want to and I don’t need to break free from my conventional life either because my life is not very conventional and stressful enough as it is.
There should be more pride about this. I don’t think not being in a relationship is a virtue, but you can also have a meaningful life without one.
There are even quite a lot of people who ARE in relationships, but they don’t make it about sex. Which is ok, too.
Maybe that is the thing that bothers me the most. The assumption that a love relationship equals having sex.
It’s like… you can only choose between two options, while the reality is so different.
I'm 27 and I've had sexual relationships but I've never had anything close to a serious boyfriend. I'm not super hot but I'm not completely unattractive either, maybe a bit above average. I've struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager and I also have issues with my sexuality due to developing early. Anyway, I'm seeing a therapist, which helps, but I still feel so fucking pathetic and like a freak for not having that kind of relationship. And it feels hopeless. Any advice?
you’re not pathetic and you’re not a freak
don’t pay attention to the media and pop culture and people gabbing. people like to gas themselves up and try to pretend like they have a lot of stuff going on. but you don’t need to pay attention to that. your time will come in your own time. you have your own journey and your own life to live; your own constellation to expand.
have you read this thing i related not too long ago?
there’s a comedian named paul f tompkins, who is definitely a favorite person of mine. and we went to go see him do a show here in LA and he had a very personal stand-up set, which is sort of new territory that he’s exploring. he told us about his depression and anxiety and how he’s on the other side of all that now. most powerfully, i feel, he told us how he had never had a serious relationship until he was 38-42 years old. (i forget the exact age, but somewhere in there.) until that point, it was just a lot of crushes and feeling sorry for himself and all of that. but he says that in a way, it was good that the relationship came when it did — at a point in his life where he was finally feeling healthy and safe. he was finally on solid ground, and then she came into his life, and now they’re married ! (he cultivated the green bough inside himself and the singing bird came !!)
i relate the story of paul f tompkins to people sometimes when they’re worried about being “forever alone.” (…which also reminds me sometimes of that one meme comic that the old man made…) …it will all come and go and come again…!
and come and go again…
you’re taking good steps. you know it takes time and work. so take the time and do the work. you’ll get there eventually. put yourself out there and be gentle with yourself.
I completely abandoned the idea of ever getting into a relationship because even this little hope is really unnerving for me. Like… I cannot expect it to happen and it is a safety precaution and a lot of people would say it’s unhealthy… But I think it is unhealthier to make your life about being or not being in a relationship.
You can have meaningful platonic relationships without having to go beyond that.
I guess most people think this is unnatural, but if it was, why are there so many people not in relationships? It’s not the majority, but it is still a significantly high number.
You have to isolate yourself because a lot of people in relationships will poke at you and make fun if you are not in a relationship. They will trivialize sex and make it look ugly and what not. What is healthy about that?
tbh ive always found the idea of dating somebody who you weren’t already best friends with absolutely dumbfounding?? like i certainly can understand being physically attracted to someone with no emotional attachment but i couldn’t ever understand how anybody could form a romantic relationship with someone who they weren’t already close to. apparently that’s called demiromanticism? so i. guess that’s what i am. huh.
This is very interesting.
I actually thought of how the two protagonists in the story I am working on at the moment get together…
And for a while I thought they’d form their relationship very quickly.
But then I thought that they should become friends first.
Friendly reminder that anti-cheating is pro-slut shaming (◕‿◕✿)
I swear, I read the sentence 10 times and only got it now…
And now… I’m not sure I agree with this. I don’t think cheating is something people should do, but it happens…
I know what is meant is “if you shame anyone who cheats it is like slut-shaming”… But I read this as “people should not be against cheating or it works like slut-shaming”…
I don’t know, I always think about the partner that got cheated on and, well… It sucks for them. It doesn’t mean their partner is “promiscuous”.
It’s not black and white, you know… You can be against cheating and not be pro slut-shaming.
people should fall in love with their eyes closed
What really bothers me is that Ron/Hermione made human experience and human action seem so trivial, so obvious, so predictable.
Like… It’s the same thing when people talk about real people’s relationships and then they go “Ah, yeah, they HAD to become a couple”.
Personally, I think that’s bullshit. Even if the majority of people work that way, it does not mean everyone does.
If people do not “go for it”, it’s only because they’re too shy or not “ready” or whatever… And I don’t think that is fair. I don’t think it puts those who do not fit into these categories in a good light. It makes them look stupid.
I really think that people can decide against a relationship because they don’t want to. Not because they don’t want to yet. They don’t want to at a certain point in time. Regardless of their “romantic abilities”. Regardless of what they want in the future.
Relationships come not only with advantages. They are very complex and I feel we should talk about that. There is not one manual for all relationships. Every relationship is different.
So you can’t just make the existence or non-existence of a relationship depend on only one factor. That it HAD to happen. Or that it could NOT happen.
But maybe I’m just stupid. I don’t see these things, I guess. Or most people just work the same way, which I have suspected for a while now. Not because they naturally work the same way, but because they fit into their culture. And then they express this in one way and not another.
Because it makes life easier for them.
But it doesn’t make life easy for me. I am a very pure person. I don’t work in conventional social categories. I don’t understand convention. I understand why it exists, but it is more difficult for me to be conventional than unconventional. Not because I am lazy, but because it is more difficult for me.
Todesfurcht und Unzulänglichkeit des Lebens sind die Wurzeln des Begehrens, wohingegen auf der anderen Seite die Dankbarkeit, überhaupt das Leben geschenkt bekommen zu haben - ein Leben, das man selbst im Elend schätzt - […] die Wurzel der Erinnerung ist. Was letzten Endes die Todesfurcht lindert, ist nicht Hoffnung oder Begierde, sondern Erinnerung und Dankbarkeit.
~ Hannah Arendt (Alois Prinz, “Hannah Arendt oder Die Liebe zur Welt”)
One thing I really hate…
is when people romanticize crushes.
Every time I touch on this subject, people become sooo intrusive. Even if I have known a person for a while… I don’t want to talk about it in this way.
I’ve had bad experiences with that stuff. I’ve come to the point where I totally avoid anything in that area…
So when someone says “Aw, cuuute” or makes fun of me - even in a nice way - it makes me cringe. I know it is meant as a nice gesture or just reinforcing society’s ideas and lies about love… But it makes me feel offended.
Like… people don’t take it serious. As if love was an easy game. As if there were no problems involved. And there are so many lonely people out there and they don’t get to speak up. Because of this stupid cliché romanticization.
It just pisses me off.
And this whole shallow idea about love has haunted me during my teenage years. I tried to fit into it so hard… no matter what.
But there was no one. No other. I couldn’t even understand how the system works. I knew there were all this magazine tips on dating and the like… but that never related to me, but to an artificial idea of human beings… and I never liked that. I genuinely wanted to understand it.
These days, I just think… Whatever. Maybe it’s just not for me. I am missing out, I guess, but if that also means I don’t have to get upset about it, spend hours crying in my room, additionally question my self-worth and increase my self-loathing, yes, then I choose to stay alone for the rest of my life.
If it means a loss of life-quality, then I won’t do it. My life does not have much quality for me. I was born into it and I struggle to meet expectations.
“The “romantic-sexual/platonic” love dichotomy leaves no room for the real emotional nuances people experience in their attachments, and I think that it often causes us to live with simplified relationships not because we want to or because we have simple desires and feelings but because we have no experience, cultural context, or language to accommodate a complex social life or set of relationships. This is why language is so important. This is why words and labels matter. How can you have the kind of relationships you want with anyone, if you don’t even have the words to accurately express how you feel? Hell, half the time, people don’t even understand their own feelings and relationship desires because what they feel is not simple at all, but the only relationship framework they know makes everything seem simple and clear cut: romance and sex go together, friendship is separate from both of those things, couplehood/primary partnership is exclusive to romance and sex, etc. But if we are to accept the possibilities and realities of asexual romance, primary nonsexual/nonromantic love, nonromantic sex and sexual friendship, romantic (nonsexual) friendship, queerplatonic nonsexual relationships and sexual relationships, etc…. we have to drop this way of thinking and speaking about relationships and love in a romantic-sexual/platonic dichotomous way. None of those “complex” relationships fit into that model”
— “Platonic love” is a problematic term | The Thinking Asexual
Bless this post.
OK, answering some of those…
- 1. Are looks important in a relationship?
OK, this is tricky… I would say looks are not completely unimportant, but I think other factors are more important. If you think a person is obnoxious and ignorant then it doesn’t matter how good they look. Usually, this also means that their looks won’t even attract you.
- 2. Are relationships ever worth it?
OK, since I have to answer this in theory… I think they must be worth something or people wouldn’t be in relationships. Is that idealistic?
And relationships in general are worth it, so… an intimate relationship is not that different…
I once read that a lot of people love the idea of love and I would agree with that. But I don’t really believe that anyone can really tell the difference, so…
I think it’s more the idea of love plus the commitment, so love itself basically only is this idea or concept… So if you’re in love, you also commit.
Or maybe it’s the other way round… I’m not sure.
I once had an argument that you cannot be in love alone. I am still not totally convinced, even though I know what the person meant.
OK, let’s put it that way: I am not with someone. Case closed.
- 7. Can you commit to one person?
Mh… In general, I try to please other people as best as I can until I cannot do it anymore. Communication is really exhausting for me, so this happens quite quickly. This probably leads most people to the conclusion that I cannot commit.
I hate this whole commitment question.
I actually feel as if “society” tries to keep me out of a relationship because I do not meet the criteria. Maybe… Maybe it is wrong to listen to all the relationship propaganda that is floating around. Maybe I should just do what I want. But that’s quite difficult, since I have been conditioned so well…
I’d have to imagine myself in square one, but with the lack of free will maybe that is impossible.
I guess I can commit, whatever that means…
I think here the definition would be that you can support your partner - which I could not do because I am not very stable emotionally. But who is? Maybe most of it is just people talking about relationships, while they do not meet the criteria themselves…
I decided I cannot trust people on this anymore because honesty is not really a virtue anymore…
- 10. Do you believe in love at first sight?
I once read about “love at second sight” and I liked the idea. But I also believe that you can like a person immediately and after that you only try to figure out what made you like them in the first place.
If you do not believe in free will - which is what I do I guess… Then the concept of “love at first sight” is difficult. It would imply that it is chance or… an accident… But maybe there was no other way…
You can like a person immediately, but it doesn’t mean that it miraculously happened…
- 11. Do you ever want to get married?
I sometimes seriously consider this, but there are just too many ideas connected to marriage that freak me out so much. Of course, you could bend convention, so you feel authentic during a wedding, but…
No, I don’t want to.
I want to be free and independent and I do not want to support the institution of marriage, even though Chomsky said he doesn’t think marriage is a complicated concept.
- 13. Do you get jealous easily?
I wouldn’t search through my partner’s phone or read my partner’s diary, that is just not what I do. And I think this kind of behaviour is not natural, I think it is constructed by this society. I think jealousy is something that this society wants you to feel. I think it is an institutional thing. Thus… If I do get jealous, I try not to…
It would be easier to say yes, but it is more complicated than that.
- 17. Do you like kissing in public?
There is kissing in public and then there’s showing off. I have nothing against the former, but when people just do it to show off I think there’s something odd in their relationship. Not that I feel I am in a position to judge, but that is what I believe. It’s like when you talk about personal stuff too easily.
- 21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
No. I never think that. I do not see how that is possible and that is part of my dilemma. Or not dilemma. I think my inability to know how other people see me makes life incredibly difficult for me. Theoretically, if I was talking about people in general, yes, I think it is possible that one person can have feelings for another person.
But do you see how the general person is not automatically me?
Blind people are not able to see, even if you don’t think about it all the time.
Just because the majority of people have someone or more people having feelings for them, doesn’t mean I am included.
- 23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
This question… I ask myself that a lot. If I was able to be in a relationship, would I be able to cheat? I understand that most people wouldn’t call it an “ability” to cheat… But I am not like that… I do not cheat by accident. I would have to plan it.
No, I don’t think I could consciously cheat, so I wouldn’t cheat. I guess.
If I knew what qualifies someone to be in a relationship, maybe I would also know what qualifies someone to cheat… Or maybe there is no direct connection between relationship and cheating.
- 25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?
I don’t think I ever want to be in a relationship.
- 56. State 8 facts about your body
1) I have curly hair.
2) My feet are 7 and a half. (British)
3) I like my hands.
4) Most of the time, I feel disconnected from my body.
5) I don’t like to think of other people looking at my body.
6) I have only grown 4 or 5 centimeters in the last 13 years. (Since I was 12)
7) I have never been skinny.
8) I like my height.
- 58. What are five ways to win your heart?
1) If you are honest about yourself.
2) If you are curious.
3) If you ask questions all the time.
4) If you’re not too sure about yourself.
5) If you have an interesting taste in music.
- 61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?
How they treat other people.
- 77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
Age doesn’t matter. Neither does height, etc. Anything that is related to quantity. Quality is always more important.
- 81. Who are five people you find attractive?